So- I haven't written in awhile for a few reasons. It has always been a challenge for me to start something and actually finish what I started. I have been feeling an array of emotions. My health issues are a constant reminder of my lack of good health. I feel as though if I complain, my faith is wavered and come across more then just weak-but faithless. I try for the most part to be positive. I feel as though I started this blog to bring awareness, be active about my disease, share my life, my faith, honest, and everything in between. So I choose to be honest today.
I find it hard to be completely honest sometimes about this ordeal. But I have realized, it's OK to hurt, be confused, overwhelmed, angry, about T1 Diabetes. The fact is I haven't really come to terms or accepted either T1 Diabetes, or Grave's Disease. Part of me wants to throw an all out fit! Kick and scream until I get my way--for all this to go away. But at the same time there is purpose in this, I know it. Its hard fighting my flesh when my spirit Man isn't as strong as it should be.
I am happy it's me and not my family. It really is an answered prayer but GOSH, it seems like toooo much. I know God only allows us to go through things that we can handle, I do. But I cant help the emotions and physical effects I feel-- High blood sugar (irritable,muscles tired and sore, hot), low blood sugar(shaky,a little sweaty, I cry, feeling kinda scared),prick my fingers, shots! SHOTS! Shots!, OH NO I TOOK TOO MUCH FAST ACTING INSULIN-call doctor- moody, tired, which medicine to take? Surgery to remove thyroid? Claim Healing? ZAP thyroid? Pump or no Pump? OH yea and lets not forget about the money for all this. My insurance doesn't cover but maybe half of all the bills coming in.
The fact is I know I can't handle all this by myself, it's so hard to let go and LET God. But it comes down to, What am I doing to strengthen my Faith?
The more I attended church the more I am convinced God can Heal me. I was prayed over and claimed my healing but it hasn't come to pass yet.So I find myself questioning--is it GOD'S will to heal me or am I supposed to live this way for some other purpose he has? It scares me so much to think about( I know that FEAR Robs my Faith) all the complications with T1 Diabetes, and Grave's and I DON'T WANT IT! I know God can do anything. There are No limits to a LIMITLESS GOD! I have said that for years but now its my turn to really be tested in how strong my Faith is. My prayer was that God protect my Family-to use me- to teach, grow, strengthen me; I prayed that with all the belief and Faith I had. Our Pastor has been teaching on faith and he said, "Faith is not just connected to your words,but BY your actions-Faith speaks!" I believe God is asking me to not only surrender completely to him but truly trust him by my faith. Matthew 9:29 "According to your faith, it will be done." What strengthens our faith? FAITH COMES BY HEARING-HEARING THE WORD OF GOD.
I am lazy. The real me wants to just sleep. Don't dare open those bills, just do what I can to get by for the day, and sorta just deal with this..mostly push it aside. My Pride must be broken. But I Know doing that will prolong the lessons to be learned in this trial. I fight it everyday. I have Jesus though, his word, my church, My family and friends. I will never fall and not get back up. FALL as many times as it takes but I Will get back up and keep fighting and running towards the light straight ahead. Everyone has good days and bad-I am not exempt. I am in a battle and the only way to win is to:
"...Keep seeking the things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.2 Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth." Colossians 3: 1-2
So I know the first lesson is getting into his word, speaking the word, living the word. I do but not as I should, I am going to make more effort to get into his Truth. Because it gives me Life. His word gives me weapons to fight the urge to just be.
God makes a promise; Faith believes it, Hope anticipates it, Patience quietly awaits it.(off my church bulletin)spoke volumes to me!!
-------------------------now some humor for your soul!------------------------------
Thank you for reading my raw honesty! Have a great Wednesday!!