She picked up her phone on the last ring hesitant to answer, but did it dazed and tired, "hello?"
"Yes, is She there?"
"ummmm, hold on..." as she put the phone to her palm trying to figure out who it was again they were asking for.
"Oh, yes this is her." she said
"We assessed your lab work today and mam', your blood sugar was 432." said the person
She was confused, and asked, "What does that mean?"
"It means you may be a diabetic" said the monotone voice.
"Whaaat??? I am leaving tomorrow for a trip, and I AM going, so what do I do?" she desperately asked...her mind was racing.
"You need to go to the ER, immediately"
She hung up, and was frantic in her mind, tears welling up. This is a dream and isn't real, right!?
Arriving at the hospital, she gathered up her emotions for a few minutes, still entranced in deep thought she was reliving the last week, all the physical changes,loosing weight, vision blurred, weakness, and the phone conversation earlier that evening.
When they called her back she climbed up on the gurney, was hooked up to an IV and cried, and cried, and cried.
Hearing the ER staff saying "we can't get a reading, we need to draw blood," and she couldn't wrap her mind around what was happening and the words "sugar, 834, you are a Type 1 diabetic" ringing in her ears, only made the tears come harder.
The only thing she kept thinking was that they are going to get her sugar to normal, and Everything will go BACK to the way it was...over and over she thought it.
With every word the nurse said, "you can't leave, YOU ARE A DIABETIC, ICU, Thyroid abnormal, you can't go on your trip, was like wanting something soooo bad, THAT when someone tells you it won't happen or you wont get it; YOU throw a fit, get pissed, feeling hopeless you CRY uncontrollably thinking it will change..But you SEE what it is you want sooooo badly and its not yours and won't be. ------------
Its crazy that it has been 6 months since my diagnoses of Type 1 diabetes and Grave's Disease. Remembering the feelings through that phone call, the days after, weeks after, and now months still fresh.
I was scared, thought my life was over essentially, heck, I could barely give myself a shot. Feeling alone, sad, helpless, were my feelings. The thing is I wanted so badly for this to go away, and asking my God, Why me?
Well, Why not me?
You know though the difference between then and now is I AM NOT AS I USED TO BE.
I am changing.
I always knew God didn't give this to me, I do believe he allows things to happen, he's in control, do I need to know why he allowed it or why my healing hasn't manifested yet? nope.
Let me say, its hard not to go there mentally but our Pastor Dennis ROCKS and has taught me it starts with getting in the word of God. Trust God, even though he didn't do anything to cause my health issues, He WILL make something good out of it, and it's given me opportunity to grow in Christ.
The biggest thing I am learning is to change my thinking. It's been tough, because I think something bad or say smthing ugly, and the power of one's words give life or death is crucial in changing me.
"How you see yourself, is how you are going to live your life." Pastor D.
wow! powerful uh?! It's true, because I will be first to admit I can be loose at the mouth! Proverbs 23:7 "For as he thinks within himself, so he is." I can't be defeated in my mind!!! NO WAY!
God is doing a new thing with me and I am rejoicing!!! No I am not certain what the future holds, but I have dreams, I am on my way to continually grow in Jesus and not be who I used to be yesterday.
I have a responsibility to do my part, and what I can't do, my God will do. I can't be lazy. I have to be and think like a CONQUEROR.
I have made a decision to take care of my Grave's disease, and the first step is taking a Radioactive pill that will kill my thyroid so it will stop overproducing hormones. So tomorrow 4-9-10 is the day; funny because it's 6months to the day I was diagnosed, and will have finally done something about it. Fear pounds on my door, but I will NOT open it. "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalms 18:2
I am also on my way on getting a lower A1c, (normal is 4-6)last tests a few weeks ago was 9.3.Yikes! It's a journey, not perfection, but as much as I fall, I will get back up, keep running towards the light straight ahead.
Here's some pictures of what the last 6 months worth of needles for my diabetes looks like.
I am excited to experience the next 6 months--even with the rough potholes on the way-- ;)