Today is the almost the last day(because tomorrow is the official last day) of Diabetes awareness month and this is MY first post of this month. I received an email today from a site that said I was doing a good job as a resource for Diabetes, and they want to feature my blog. Um, not feelin' that so much. I mean, I wanted to be involved with awareness this month but frankly I've avoided this month.
I've been discouraged. I didn't get to do the walk back in early November. I was pretty upset. First off, I didn't raise any money, even after a few efforts, and didn't get to walk because I didn't make an effort to find a stroller to take my kids. UGH! I failed. I read recently a little excerpt from Joyce Meyers newest book, Power Thoughts (which I am paraphrasing) that one reason people can not find happiness is because they don't follow through with goals set. They haven't finished what they've started. People want to blame the reason it fell through on someone or something else instead of taking responsibility for not following through with the commitment and experiencing the joy of reaching the goal. Reading that hit me pretty hard over the head. I didn't follow through and not only that there's been overwhelming things going on around my world and sometimes it's easier to recluse than to express myself.
It's hard for me to be completely candid about my life sometimes. I've known powerful Godly women who you would never know if they were struggling with hardship of any kind, and they just don't speak anything negative. The Bible scriptures I've read about taming the tongue(James Ch. 3), the power of life and death is in the tongue, Out of the mouth is overflow of whats in the heart, keeps me in conflict about what to share with people. What do I say? What do I not say?
My heart tells me to stand firm on God's word, it's strength, truth, comfort, and power. My mind wants to blurb out every emotion I feel to get it out. And I guess I do with my closest family and few friends. We all have to guard our hearts for out of our hearts are the springs of life. I don't want anyone to judge me based on a shared expressive emotional moment. I would rather share the strength I am gaining from spending time in God's word and the growth I am experiencing.
Sometimes it's lonely this newest battle of mine(even though its been well over a year), dealing with both the diabetes and the thyroid issues. I heard a pastor say recently who's known to always be happy, that he doesn't share with anyone about his trials while he's walking in the valley, it's when he's on the other side, victorious, he shares. It makes sense to me. How do I teach when I haven't learned myself? How do I share with people about victory over my most conflicted issues when I am not on the other side yet? I feel a loss for words. What else is there to say about it? I guess I thought I'd be better at this than I actually am. I am still in the battle, in the valley, but I will come out victorious. This all goes back to what my Pastor says frequently at church, "the answer to any and every problem is the Word of God." He's right.
I do want to be a advocate for Diabetes awareness. But first I must stop running from the reality of what I have been avoiding. So I continue to seek my God in effort to get to the other side of these haunting battles.