Dear Type 1 'betes from Hades,
I have decided to write you once in awhile, y? Because YOU need to know how I feel, and I need to tell you. Its therapy, so yeah, I am finna*(side note: finna is slang for fixing to) lay it on ya.
I can't stand you. As much as you would like to over run my life..and I have my days where I feel you may win, YOU WON'T! It's been 1 year and 4months since you have invaded my body. And everyday you are on my mind, affect my mood, not to mention I have to poke myself several times a day which leave my stomach, & arms, bruised up; to check on you or to fix your lack of control with insulin injections. Well, I guess the control part rests on me... and that makes me angry. Grr. I have had such a hard time dealing with you. I mean really.
I will not claim you as mine, because as much as you would like me to accept you, and keep you, I won't say you are mine. It's hard because I am trying to find the fine line to where I don't accept you as my own, BUT dealing with you, making sure you don't take me down, and bringing awareness to your growing attacks on innocent children and adults. I am workin' on that.
This process becomes overwhelming at times because I read stories of people who also fight against you, and when you come against them, they are quick to take control back. I get discouraged wondering why it's so hard for me to get a grip.
Pretty recently when I saw a substitute Endocrinologist(mine is on maternity leave) she asked me if I thought about anti-depressants to help me out because by results of the blood work, she can't figure out if I am depressed or just having some self destructive behavior. Uhhh negativo to both conclusions drawn. But hey, I always say actions speak louder than words..so it may appear to others to those conclusions. Well my response to you betes is, YOU may depress me at times because you don't go away, but I am not depressed. I have dealt with symptoms of depression (overwhelmed, some sadness, avoidance, eh lack of proper care of myself) I wonder if we don't all deal with it at some point in our lives going through a life altering transition. But, again, I say, You will not win. The Dr. showed me a picture of what my blood looks like with all the sugar in it with a 9.1 A1C, and yea it's in the critical part of the thermometer because an A1C of 6-7 is where the Dr.'s want you to be, but I felt better knowing that I have been "DOING" better lately with dealing with you. I am a fighter as I have said to others before. GOSH it IS hard to constantly fight you and manage everything else. But that's where I know God has been showing me to constantly rest in him, Jesus is my HOPE and strength. This verse is posted on my refrigerator so I see it, read it, claim it!!!
Psalm 59:16 (Amplified Bible)
But I will sing of Your mighty strength and power; yes, I will sing aloud of Your mercy and loving-kindness in the morning; for You have been to me a defense (a fortress and a high tower) and a refuge in the day of my distress.
I know how to count carbs, and I know how to bolus the correct amount of insulin to help my body cope better with YOUR EFFORTS TO DESTROY MY INNARDS. Because not eating any carbohydrates won't solve anything except make me grumpier and lose a few lbs.. hmmm... naaaw..I love bread too much to entertain that thought. but yeah, So I have made baby steps this year to activate the knowledge I have pertaining to your evilness. ha. hahaha!
OK, so I just had to vent for a sec, and let you know you make me angry. AND! I will continue to let you know how I am feeling, because after this divulging of emotions I actually feel a little better. One of your problems is you can make people feel lonely and slowly try to defeat their soul, kinda like the devil. haha. It's true, but thing is, even though that has been my biggest issue, feeling alone; I am not. This really is good therapy. I thank Jesus for giving me the strength to write this because he knows this is HARD for me. The Holy Spirit has ministered to my spirit that this is Freedom for me. Being open, and facing my fears.
Until the next letter~Another day, another diet coke, another step...
Your Forever Foe~