Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Diabetes Is Annoying.

Treating or not managing T1 Diabetes properly is seriously a daily battle of mine. I get so fed up with the whole thing. I have good days and bad. Lately it seems like more bad than good. But the thing I run into over and over again is how its never ending. Ugh. I press forward. Or do I really? Numbers, numbers, numbers, shots, shots, shots, lows, highs, count the carbs. It is so annoying! I HATE it.

So- my husband and I discuss how we want to have another baby or adopt or hopefully both. But the ugly truth is, its up to me to have the perfect glucose numbers to be healthy to carry a baby or even more so, keeping them perfect throughout the pregnancy. It makes me mad. So I pray. And know its up to me to do my part. BUT the human emotion I feel when I mess up makes me want to scream. Can't it be easy for ONE day!? I'm not trying to sound like oh poor me, but today- I gotta let some emotion go. I want to hit a punching bag, or kick a clown in the face! Haha. Not really. Well ok yeah I do.

Some of the pent up emotion comes from some other things that are going on personally, and I know its all about a choice I make. Y does it Feel like its so hard? I know what the word says, "cast all my cares on the Lord...HIS burden is light and easy." And I know it is, its defiantly a daily walk to pick up the cross and stay in faith and not be moved by emotions but I also believe its ok to let it out, but staying in that place is the part that's NOT ok. We were made to feel. So its fine tuning the emotional side when faced with tough times and standing on the truth I know from where I draw my strength and joy from. Its a process.
Some people look at the hardships they face as gifts. Nope. Not me. This is NOT a gift so I can go change the world around me because of the T1 Diabetes.
I know that since this all happened I have defiantly been refined in many ways through the fire since the start of this battle, because I have drawn closer to my God, by my choice. Because of that, gifts have come forth most certainly. But by no means will I ever look at this disease and be thankful it attacked me because it changed my life for the "better." Its not my Diabetes, and I won't own it. I do however want to be a good example so I do press forward knowing one day I will be. Reading back over what I wrote, I sound angry, but I am not; I am frustrated.
I haven't said much lately about the Diabetes because I feel I am in a place where my words need to be few in this area, until I know in my heart it's time to really dig deep and share my thoughts about it.
So today I let some steam go, and needed too. But until the time is right, this is where I stop.
To be continued...

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

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